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It's time to think about myself.   
08:18pm 28/10/2004
mood: Mind block.
Well, I IMed Jaime earlier to talk to him about whatever. Don't know. I was bored. And he IMed me later... he got critical of my choice in something and now we're talking about my self esteem problem. *sigh* What would I do without him? I'd be so lost, so fake... so unable to find myself.
No one understands our relationship... and no one likes Jaime. They don't see, he really just means well for me. He helps in a stricter way than most people but it's what I need. I need strict guidance to find my way.
Most people say he thinks he thinks too highly of himself like he thinks he is a genius, but thing is, he actually knows what he is talking about. Sure, he does act like a bastard, but he never lies and that's completely and utterly the real Jaime you're talking to. I don't know, it's nice just to talk to someone who is intelligent once in a while. And he is respectful to in one manner or another. I don't know. To me, he is pretty successful and as close to perfect as most people would ever get.
I'm so glad he and I are friends again.
       Forgotten dreams...
...I wish Melo were up again...   
12:14am 27/10/2004
mood: Sad... v.v;; *sigh*
...hmmm, just checked melo... supposedly Beta is up but I can't remember my password nor the email I used for it o.x!
Oh well, I'm a dumb shit... >.>... >..> don't know how to explain. I started ranting there and... somehow, it feels right and it feels like I can let out all my problems and things on my mind without worrying of hurting someone's feelings, being misunderstood and hated or whatever other possible things I could say to start shit without meaning to.
*Sigh* I don't know... I don't like the other journal sites... :-/... plus "melodramatic" suits me keke... ^^;;
Oh well... it's weird... today was going real and though my mom tried to get me down, it never worked for more than a minute and I was happy again. All of a sudden, the source of all my happiness just goes down the drain and I'm miserable like I always am. Piece of shit. I'm tired of this happening... why can't I just be normal and happy like everyone else. Preoccupy my myself in watching tv, gossiping or other dumb teenage hobbies. -_-;;
       Forgotten dreams...
Hentai Fest!   
09:22pm 26/10/2004
mood: Happy.
Keke... what a night... filled of lots of... love. *snickers*
Good times, good times. ^_____^! Good hentai too kekekeke!! *raises glass* Cheers! To hentai! *snickers*

-Lili Bear-
       Forgotten dreams...
One of my favorite Coldplay songs!! I always think about Michelle when I hear it! ^^;;   
12:18pm 25/10/2004
mood: Thinking about Michelle ^_~!
Song: "Sparks"
Artist/band: Coldplay
Album: Parachutes

Did I drive you away?
I know what you'll say,
You'll say 'Oh, sing one you know,'
But I promise you this,
I'll always look out for you,
Yeah that's what I'll do

I Say oh...
I say oh...

My heart is yours,
It's you that I hold on to,
Yeah that's what I'll do
I know I was wrong,
But I won't let you down,
Oh yeah I will, yeah I will
Yes I will

I said oh,
I cry oh.
Yeah, I saw sparks
Yeah, I saw sparks,
And I saw sparks,
Yeah, I saw sparks
Sing it out,
La la la laaaaaaa, oh ohhh
La la la laaaaaaa, oh ohhh
La la la laaaaaaa, oh ohhh
La la la laaaaaaa, oh ohhh
         1 Accomplished dream -  Forgotten dreams...
The Pretenders!! YAY!! ^_____^!!   
01:37am 24/10/2004
mood: ^_____________^!!
Listening to: "Don't Get Me Wrong"- The Pretenders -:- repeat one -:-
Mood: Happy.

Song: "Don't Get Me Wrong"
Artist/band: The Pretenders

Don't get me wrong
If I'm looking kind of dazzled,
I see neon lights
Whenever you walk by.

Don't get me wrong
If you say hello and I take a ride
Upon a sea where the mystic moon
Is playing havoc with the tide.
Don't get me wrong.

Don't get me wrong,
If I'm acting so distracted.
I'm thinking about the fireworks
That go off when you smile.

Don't get me wrong
If I split like light refracted.
I'm only off to wander
Across a moolit mile.

Once in a while,
Two people meet,
Seemingly for no reason
They just pass on the street.
Suddenly thunder showers everywhere.
Who can explain the thunder and rain
But there's something in the air.

Don't get me wrong
If I come and go like fashion.
I might be great tomorrow
But hopeless yesterday.

Don't get me wrong
If I fall in the mode of fashion.
It might be unbelievable
But let's not say so long.
It might just be fantastic
Don't get me wrong.
       Forgotten dreams...
Yay! Oh! Oh!   
08:47pm 23/10/2004
mood: Bouncy and happy. ^____^!!
I'm happy and in a dancy mood even if I'm really tired. Don't know what I wanted to say anymore. Hm hm... oh well! ^__^!!
*dances around her room*
Oh yes! I love Misheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!! Honey bunny of wub! Muahs <333. I can't wait to be with you and cuddle you all day!! We'll have plenty of fun ^_~ kekeke... and I'll harrass your mom with mail boxes!! ^_____________^!!!!!!!!!!!
       Forgotten dreams...
Heat of...   
05:13pm 23/10/2004
mood: Naked!! ...towel covered ^_~..
crystal heart
Heart of Crystal

What is Your Heart REALLY Made of?
brought to you by Quizilla
       Forgotten dreams...
12:43pm 23/10/2004
mood: Dork to the 24th power!
I want gold fish, I want gold fish, I want, I want, I want gold fish... lalalalalalalala... *song goes on*
*does the shaky booty dance*
...I love this song... both of tehm... hai, hai!
-Lili Bear-
       Forgotten dreams...
Better than me? Yeah right...   
05:22pm 21/10/2004
mood: Bitchy.
Fuckin' pissed off here. I'm tired of Liesl always competing with me at things... it's like "Teh fuck?" I never provoked her... I just try my best at certain things more than others so I do well. Today, I had to run a mile for track and field. My time was apparently, according to Liesl, 8 minutes and 59 seconds. I think 8 seconds better than like 3-4 weeks ago maybe? She said that was pretty good. Psh... then later, she was like "I'm so proud of myself! I beat you by 10 seconds!" ...I just pretended to be like whatever and in my head I was just like "...just shut up... I'm fuckin' exhausted. Let's see you deal with the things that I do if you had a hard as time as me." Psh! *rolls eyes* At least I don't fuckin' complain after running for 30 seconds that I think I have asthma but won't go to a doctor and check. Man, I mean, what's the use in complaining? It's required. I just shut up and do it. It's not easy. I'm not athletic. Do I do any sports anymore? Nooo... I don't. I never leave my house unless it's to go to school... so yes, I don't exercise very much. Considering this, I'm in pretty good shape so if she'd just shut the fuck up, that would be greatly appreciated... -_-;; She's just always fuckin' jealous of me. Tryin' to fit in now... psh... she'll never make me jealous. As if I'd ever be jealous of her. Man, she can have her perfect grades and fakie friends. I don't need that to be happy. I know she's jealous because I'm more attractive than her. She probably feels happy when we're walking on the street and people whistle at us. I'm never sure whether it's at her or me. Probably her, like I'd care. They only do it 'cause she dresses all sluttier than me. I don't need that to have guys whistle at me, roll their car windows down and say shit to me or look me up and down. Psh! Man! I wear baggy clothes to hide the shape of my body some days and such just so I don't have to deal with that and I still get it. Not even that... I just know period. I have a nicer body than most people for never doing sports. It's not all chubby like... so I got a tummy, yes I am self conscious about it but geez... she's gettin' all weird and competitive over nothing. Man, if she wants to see who's better, maybe I will start kickboxing with her. We'll see then... >.>... who is better... I'll show her... psh!
...-_-** mmm...whatever... I realized today, I don't need anyone to be happy. I was walking across the field on the wet grass and I just felt so content like I could just lie in it and then be so happy thinking to myself all day... just being alone. It was really nice. I thought the day would be ok. And it was. Up until Theater class. Which is actually when Liesl said that... thing... that pissed me off... I can tell she's jealous that I'm making friends with Sophia. I knew it would. I kind of did it to get back at her for being stupid and just 'cause I think Sophia is a worthwhile person to be friends with.
But... I don't really care anymore... v.v... whatever... people just like to be jealous of me and hurt me... I'm not really caring whether people think I'm narcissistic... I don't think it's such a bad thing anymore... I finally thought about it, and I just concluded, it's another one of those things society has formed people to think... that it's negative and a bad thing. See how religion destroys our society? It gets us when we're too young and unexperienced and forces things into our head until they become a habit. Like Racism=bad... Being selfish=a no no. Hitler=Oh no! Horrible muderer! ...but see, Michelle helped me open up and see things more clearly... and... if you think about each thing carefully... it's not as horrible as they make it out to be. I don't expect anyone to understand or see from my perspective... it's really alright. If you want to write a comment about how you disagree with me, that's fine too. It's your opinion. If you really think it will change the world, then by all means, please do write me a comment back about how my opinion is wrong and horrible. Racism is horrible, selfishness is too much you and not enough someone else... thoughtless as they'd put it... Hitler, he killed so many people! ...but aside for common arguments, do you have any more to add? Do you see any good in any of these or reasons to why people can be that way? Do you ever try to see both sides, and do you ever think out of the box? Do you ever get disappointed when you think that every genius is leaning on insanity? Like you think, it's so sad... you can't see why there has never been a sane genius... but have you ever thought about how they can be so smart? Did you stop and realize, to realize the things they do you have to push against the limits of sanity and search for answers everywhere, examine every possibility that pops into head and try to weigh which is more correct than the other and risk being wrong. You have nothing you can prove because nothing is absolutely true. No evidence to support your argument. All you have are theories... unsupported theories.
Mmm... I'm rambling and I have a huge existentialism project to work on... with an added two quotes to memorize for English and a test in Physics/Chem. class to study for so I shall go.
-Lili Bear-
         5 Accomplished dreams -  Forgotten dreams...
All of a sudden...   
09:54pm 20/10/2004
mood: Depressed.
...I feel that heavy feeling again... so very sad... it makes me feel like I weigh an additional pound... V_V... It's not that I feel like crying... I just feel... depressed... and it kind of feels like I'm drunk... without the dizzy confusion... >.>... :-\... v_v... it's because... I think of things... and did I make another mistake? There've been signs, this wasn't how it was supposed to turn out... was I wrong? Will this make it hurt more when the time comes? *sigh* I feel... I don't know... I just keep repeating myself I guess... what if I get another anxiety attack? *sigh*... -_-... why am I so depressed? Why does this always happen in October. I always get depressed and something always goes wrong... October isn't even done yet... and then each year another month gets added to it... and soon, every year will be horrible... --_____--... *punches herself in teh face* x.o... I deserved that... 'cause I know no one really cares that I am depressed... -_-.
-Lili Bear-
         1 Accomplished dream -  Forgotten dreams...
I can't stand my mom...   
06:28pm 20/10/2004
mood: Pissed off...
She's a fuckin' cunt ass bitch. And I just can't take it anymore. I just want to leave and get my own place. Don't care if I can't pay, I'll pay by selling my dead body to the cannibals if that's what it takes. Stupid ass whore... and DAMN IT! I just am so pissed, and I say this so much I have nothing to say anymore. Fuckin' ho bag is always lying to the world. Stupid fakie. Psh! Tryin' to look good in front of everyone, like we get along but we don't. Never buys anything for me but buys anything Isabelle wants and spends all her money on herself and her friends. It's like "Teh fuck?! What the hell am I?" man, she hardly pays for my school, if at all. It's my grandma and dad who pay for everything really. And ya know what? I rarely see my dad but he'll always go shopping with me to buy me stuff. It's not that I'm greedy and want stuff, it's the fact that there's no gesture. Never! When people don't even attempt a gesture, it just pisses me off. I spend my money so often, and not on myself but everyone else and if people just don't give a shit and stuff, man, it's like "Why the fuck am I doing this?!"
But yeah... I think I'ma stop... my money and I have a lot of things I want so yeah... shopping time! ^_^... can anyone say new movies, shoes and clothes?
Oh yeah baby, that's what I'm talking about.
Fuckin' shitters though... Christmas is coming up. Damn fucked up expensive holiday. I think I'll only buy a few friends presents and then my grandma a present. Psh! I don't got money to spend on everyone! And yeah... I need new shoes... I've wanted these for quite a while... http://www.hottopic.com/Assets/product_images/lg/340620_lg.jpg but I kind of want these too... http://www.hottopic.com/Assets/product_images/lg/373226_lg.jpg
       Forgotten dreams...
Skipping school for today.   
01:56pm 14/10/2004
mood: Cheerful.
red rose
You are a red rose. You are passionate and very
active. You instantly grab peoples attention
when you walk in a room. You can be the life
and soul of a party. Red can mean danger but it
also means luck and protection.

what kinda rose are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
       Forgotten dreams...
Hehe fun times!   
06:11pm 11/10/2004
mood: Bouncy.
Ok ok. So you know how most people on VF [VampireFreaks.com] are mostly all poseurs? Mmk. Well, today it was fun. I made a long comment to some girl named Vicky 'cause oh my god!! Her profile was like as poseur as it gets! 'Course she deleted my comment... *sigh* I had a little respect for her towards the end 'cause she kept it for about 10 minutes... oh well... kekeke. Her profile: http://vampirefreaks.com/profile.php?user=ForbiDDenDarKneSs.

What I wrote:

Ok first comes first. The username you have. "ForbiDDenDarKneSs"... look at it and tell me what's wrong with it. Do you see the way you typed that?! No "punk" or "goth" person would ever type like that. That's cutesy and fucked up. And not in a good way let me tell you. Not only that, but the two words chosen. "Forbidden" and "Darkness". What more cliché view of "goth" could you possible have?! "Goth" people, as they are classified, are not all completely depressive freaks. They enjoy many things just like everyone else. They are not secluded but in this "little imaginary world" as you place them in. They are above all human beings just like everyone else.
Second off, you put pictures of your sister's cat. Ok, I'm fine with the fact you like the cat but EVERYONE puts a picture of their god forsaken cat on VF. It's not a special affectionate act you've done in thought of your pet, it's a selfish action in hopes to be classified as "cool" and "belong" on VF. That, and I believe, you connect "goth" with witches for some reason and in your head believe they have an obsession with cats. Yes, some "goth" people do love cats. That's some. Of course, you may just like cats yourself, I'm not one to tell you what you do and do not like. But! And that is a but you must take in account, not every frickin' "goth" person likes cats and this is a common mistake society makes when criticizing, mimicking or just about doing anything when talking or observing a "goth".
Now, to the drawings. Not to be mean, but they really aren't that great, and thing is, everyone puts their drawings on VF. Yet again, an act to "fit in". The whole point to being "goth" or "punk" is to express your feelings, and ideas but for them to be original and different. Now, a lot of people have similar thoughts mind you, and going on VF is an attempt to find people with similar views and opinions on politics, religion, society, and other topics but you are not expressing those type of thoughts. You my dear, are saying what EVERYONE says. Everyone in society nowadays who is a teen says that. What you are placing in your profile is not original nor does it come close to being different as I've stated. But I've gotten off subject, back to the pictures. They are of demonic and satanic creatures also considered "awesome" in the "goth/punk" poseur-esque world. Why people classify "goth" and "punk" together, is beyond my knowledge but hey! It's not my problem.
Now that I'm done with the firstly viewed portion of your profile, onto the next part. Your spelling. Bad spelling deeply annoys me. There is no reason for you to spell words incorrectly. You have time to correct it. VampireFreaks gives you the option to edit your profile. Why not make use of it? You obviously have time since you've made the profile in the first place, taken those random tests that everyone does and bothered to put a background up. Incorrect spelling is not considered "cool" and it is far from "goth". Most "goths" are very picky with peoples grammar and spelling skills online. Now don't get me wrong, everyone makes some grammatical and spelling errors once in a while, either from lack of sleep, typing to fast or a combination of the two. Those are excusable. But you never seem to use the "Backspace" or also known as the "Delete" key which was put on the keyboard for a reason.
Now, you very well may be wondering why I'm criticizing you of being a poseur. Reason really is, to quote your profile "well im punk mostly." and "i get the lable goth now and then and i like it..." and by the way, you spelled the word 'label' wrong which should be easy enough to spell at your age. In fact, people learn that word by the 2nd Grade normally.
Ok, onto the "i HATE AVRIL*shudder*". Tell me what exactly is wrong with Avril Lavigne. What is it that makes you "*shudder*" when you think of her? Is it because she's rich and famous and you're jealous of her fame? Because she helped create poseurs? She also likes skateboarding you know and apparently, you do too. So what's wrong with her? You should like her! She's a fellow Canadian! It's surely not because she gave Canadians a bad name because, Americans have had the stupid grudge against Canadians for a while for who knows what reason. Do you think her songs are stupid 'cause they all sound the same? Well if that's the case, you haven't really listened to the lyrics. Each song is a different story about her life and what she went through. If you just aren't into that type of music of course, no problem here. I don't care. I'm just pointing out that now it's apparently 'the thing to do'. "Put down Avril Lavigne everyone! She's so stupid! Why? I don't know! Everyone else is doing it so I will too so I can be cool and fit in just like everyone else!"
And as for your background, I'm wondering whether you know which anime or at least the manga it comes from. I hope you did not just choose it because it looked beautiful, is anime and looks "goth".
As for the rest of your music, no need for me to rant on your choice. It's the stereotypical music found on a poseur's "Favorite Music" list and I would only be repeating myself. If you like the music that's fine. But think to yourself and ask yourself if you really do or have you been lying to yourself and convincing yourself you liked it.
You say you dislike it when people call you a "poser" but you say you dislike "posers". Why call someone else one if you yourself dislike being called one yourself? You seem to have every characteristic of what they are. What gives you the superiority to be "true punk" or "true goth" or "mostly punk" or "mostly goth"?
So what I'm asking is how can you dislike it when you are a poseur yourself and it's the truth? Ok, you can dislike the truth. The truth is often painful and it's typically not easy to handle when it comes in this form but it's all for the better to learn to accept, correct, and move on. Why try to be something you're not? I guess it's fun for a little while, but you should want people to know the real you! The real you is something special. You should be proud of it. You should realize this while you're still young and fix it. A lot of people don't see this 'till much later in their lives if they ever do. I just hope this helps you think and see. You'll be much happier in the long run if you heed this advice. I do not mean this as criticism towards your person but criticizing the thing you put yourself out to be.
Thank you and I bid thee good luck in thy journey to find thy true self~

She responded back with:

...ok your a fuckiong freak for one i don't label myself everyone that labels do i just go along with it because i personally don't give a fuck and seriously you have no life going off picking pls bad parts out and u knoe wut ur just another person that hates me fer who i am so wut if i have a bad education i don't give a fuck and yea sure i can go back and fix everything exppt i have a life and i barely go on and i go on fer a reason only i rarely get to play around on it becuase I HAVE A LIFE i don't right mile long statements to ppl fuck yea and so u knoe i listen to avril now i shoulkd go and fix that sometime i havent updated my profile in a long time. and don't talk shit about my sister shes way the fuck better than u bitch and her cat and i knoe a whole shit load of goths that love cats obviously you don't anyway im going togo now i have better things to do than waste my time on some hater that think shes all that

Hehe... maybe I do think I'm a bit "all that" as she puts it a little too much... oh well, no one's perfect! Hee hee hee hee... =n_n=
*shakes finger* But I don't think she got what I was saying... hmmm... she didn't bother writing correctly although I think I taught her how to write the word 'label' correctly 'cause she spelled it right both times she used it. I am so proud of myself! ^^;;
         3 Accomplished dreams -  Forgotten dreams...
Quiz time!   
11:27am 11/10/2004
mood: Happy.

What Pattern Are You?

Uh huh, uh huh! Yeah...
       Forgotten dreams...
10:38pm 10/10/2004
mood: Moody.
My whole entry just got deleted... and I was showing off what I was gonna wear in december to the anime convention!! Well... if you're still curious... here is a link to the stuff... ~Cosplay Costume~
-Lili Bear-
         1 Accomplished dream -  Forgotten dreams...
09:05pm 05/10/2004
mood: Sad.
My grandma told me today that I could spend October break in France... but I don't know. Should I? I don't really care... I kinda want to stay and go to Halloween parties and just relax. Be with friends. It's the only break I get before winter break and that won't exactly be a relaxing break. Heh... >.> I really don't know. What would I do there? Not long enough to shop really and I have no money to get any shopping done. *sigh* I don't know... I told her no so she wouldn't buy the tickets.
I think I'll just stay but... meh... v_v...
-Lili Bear-
       Forgotten dreams...
*happy* =^_^=   
09:22pm 28/09/2004
mood: Pleased.
Well I talked to Michelle for two hours. So I'm happy. =^_^=
       Forgotten dreams...
BOYSKOUT TONIGHT w00t!!!!!!!!!   
02:48pm 25/09/2004
mood: Bouncy!
Oh yeah man! The show is tonight and then I get to sleep over at Liana's house! -rocks head back and forth- I ish hella cool yo! lol
I'm so happy and tired [due to lack of sleep lol]. But yeah, can't wait, can't wait, w00t, w00t, w00t!!! *dances all around the room*
...yeah... haha...<333.
-Lili Bear-
       Forgotten dreams...
Quiz Time!   
05:47pm 16/09/2004
mood: Cheery.
Jaguar Spirit Calls To You!
Jaguar's Wisdom

Seeing the roads within chaos

Understanding the patterns of chaos

Moving without fear in the darkness

Facilitating soul work

Empowering oneself

Moving in unknown places


Psychic sight

If you enjoyed this quiz, please rate and I may
do another!

Animal Spirit Guides ~ Which One Calls To You?
brought to you by Quizilla
       Forgotten dreams...
I want to get this for school...   
07:05pm 06/09/2004
mood: Cranky.
I need a new backpack. My other one is awesome, but the zipper things are breaking and stuff... I think I've had the same backpack for 2 years now... time for something new. I want a black canvas military bag... it'd be awesome. They have one at Hot Topic for $24... a bit too much you think?
Merph... I don't know... it'd be awesome... I could draw all over it with my new silver sharpie and put patches on it too... better than having backpacks with something you don't want on them... or they have three things you like but the rest you are like "...Blah!!" and hah! ...yeah...

I like it... well, I mean, I wish it were a bit wider... and it's not exactly what I'm looking for but it's better than the rest I've seen. I really just want a plain black one. I can't find one damn it! It's horrible!
Mmmwell, anyways... I'm already thinking about winter ball yo! I need a new dress!! ...wow... o.o;... I just looked at www.rampage.com and they have no good dresses!! Or well, not for me or my type at least... alright... just went to www.crimsonexpress.com and I found one dress I might be able to pull off...

It truly sucks to be short... I would have liked the Velocity Vice dress but since I'm short!... I can't pull it off... lol... but yeah, that dress I think I can pull off is $119... I could also maybe do this one...

But I highly doubt it because I don't have the boobs lol. Pity, it's a nice dress and it's cheaper. $99. But-- but, but, but! They say they can custom fit it so if I can give them my measurements then maybe I could do the Empress Spider dress... What do you think? I could also do this one...

It's nice, no? It's $129 and called Gothic Lolita Annihilation dress... in case you want to see the other pics. But yeah... that's all I'm gonna do for searching for a winter ball dress for now... Put them in order from favorite to least favorite please! Then I can choose!! lol =^_^=
-Lili Bear-
...wow, spooky o.o; ..."shopping" put me in a better mood lol :0p

       Forgotten dreams...